Umbrella FAIL

This guy.....Do I really need to say it? DO I???

I have come to the conclusion that the umbrella is a useless invention. One of many. Why someone would actually purchase one is beyond me. It's a great idea written on paper, but once created and actually used in the rain it becomes stupid. 

MY REASONING:

1. WIND Let's say you have pulled out your nifty little rain blocker with the polka dots only to realize it is not wind proof. UH OH. What will you do? Your umbrella is inside out and not doing it's job. Well....let's yell at it and fix it really quick. Hide your embarrassment. No one noticed. You are fine....march on. 1-2 minutes later your trusty umbrella has failed. Again. Inside out and not doing it's job. What the hell??? Who designed this crap? Google it later. You will find out that the umbrella was originally supposed to block the sun. Then Someone in China got the bright idea to make it waterproof. Go Figure.
2. PUDDLES If you want to be fully protected you can't rely on an umbrella. It might be able to block the sprinkles, but what is the point when your pant legs are so soaked you are going to chafe? Dear god....the waitress you have been trying to sleep with for the past year is really going to look at you funny now. Chafing ankles? That's a real lady charmer. Better invest in some knee socks.
3. POINTY METAL THINGS You know what I mean. Those pointy little spine things that might jab someone in the eye if you turn the wrong way. You better have all other creatures at least arm's length away. Unless of course for some reason they are all crawling. Like a magical harem in the rain. Their eyes will be safe.
4. NO INDOOR-NESS You can't even bring these things inside when you are DONE with them. Holy cow. Close that bad boy up and you've got a puddle in your doorway. Even if you shake it out it still leaks everywhere. AHHHH. No good. Your old lady is going to throw a fit if she sees that. Don't you know that water will damage your floor? Grounded? In the dog house? Crap. Sucks for you...

Speaking of dog house. Look at this guy!

If he can do it so can you.

THE RAIN PONCHO

A much better idea. 

Can you picture this thing stabbing someone in the eye? I can't. Nope. No sir. It is safe as all hell. Don't quote me on that....just go get one and test it out. I wore one at disneyland one time. It was veeeery handy. Crinkly but handy. Not like those cursed eye stabbing, puddle inducing, pieces of crap they call an umbrella.