Sunday, September 26, 2010

Safeway Ninjas & Deli Meats

I just got back from a Safeway You would not believe the kind of chicks a 1 year old can score. My son throws his ball....what brings it back? A 20 year old girl with a perfect smile and a great rack. This girl was all around perky. Blonde. Fit. An obvious distraction from the boring green beans I was bagging.
Out of the corner of my eye, I was able to witness it without anyone catching me. Oh yeah. Gotta be a ninja if you want to scope tail in the Safeway without conservative old ladies glaring.

And here's some info Deli meat is cheaper than that packaged crap. Keep an eye out if you want to save. As an added bonus you might get lucky with a cute deli girl that knows how to handle her meat.

Umbrella FAIL

This guy.....Do I really need to say it? DO I???

I have come to the conclusion that the umbrella is a useless invention. One of many. Why someone would actually purchase one is beyond me. It's a great idea written on paper, but once created and actually used in the rain it becomes stupid. 

  1. WIND Let's say you have pulled out your nifty little rain blocker with the polka dots only to realize it is not wind proof. UH OH. What will you do? Your umbrella is inside out and not doing it's job. Well....let's yell at it and fix it really quick. Hide your embarrassment. No one noticed. You are fine....march on. 1-2 minutes later your trusty umbrella has failed. Again. Inside out and not doing it's job. What the hell??? Who designed this crap? Google it later. You will find out that the umbrella was originally supposed to block the sun. Then Someone in China got the bright idea to make it waterproof. Go Figure.
  2. PUDDLES If you want to be fully protected you can't rely on an umbrella. It might be able to block the sprinkles, but what is the point when your pant legs are so soaked you are going to chafe? Dear god....the waitress you have been trying to sleep with for the past year is really going to look at you funny now. Chafing ankles? That's a real lady charmer. Better invest in some knee socks.
  3. POINTY METAL THINGS You know what I mean. Those pointy little spine things that might jab someone in the eye if you turn the wrong way. You better have all other creatures at least arm's length away. Unless of course for some reason they are all crawling. Like a magical harem in the rain. Their eyes will be safe.
  4. NO INDOOR-NESS You can't even bring these things inside when you are DONE with them. Holy cow. Close that bad boy up and you've got a puddle in your doorway. Even if you shake it out it still leaks everywhere. AHHHH. No good. Your old lady is going to throw a fit if she sees that. Don't you know that water will damage your floor? Grounded? In the dog house? Crap. Sucks for you...
Speaking of dog house. Look at this guy!
If he can do it so can you.

A much better idea. 
Can you picture this thing stabbing someone in the eye? I can't. Nope. No sir. It is safe as all hell. Don't quote me on that....just go get one and test it out. I wore one at disneyland one time. It was veeeery handy. Crinkly but handy. Not like those cursed eye stabbing, puddle inducing, pieces of crap they call an umbrella. 


I'm going to try the whole blog thing. I've been hearing about it and why not? It's way simpler than grabbing a pen and paper and it fits in with the times. Gotta be hip ya know? I'm not really going to focus on what the damn thing looks like. I don't care. It's not about the box. It's about what's in it. So if you honestly care what this thing looks like then move on.
I'm not going to be courteous. I'm not going to be gentle. I'm going to be blunt. I'm going to be me. According to a lot of people that 'ME' just happens to be a psychotic individual. People fear what is different from themselves. It's all good though. It's my personal belief that ignorance is one of the main causes for fear. So fear me with your ignorance. I will continue to be scary and open minded. Welcome to the mind of a 'psycho'.
What will you find here?
Who knows?
Perhaps I will take you for a ride on my opinionated dragon. Or perhaps we shall play with my kitten of chaos. It will be fun. I promise. As long as you don't let your closed mind take over and fill you with fear. Escape your ignorance and journey with me into the dark forbidden corners of the human mind.